The idea of self-reliance is a powerful one. Many people are taught from a young age that independence is a sign of strength, success, and resilience. We celebrate those who "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and figure things out on their own. But is complete self-reliance really possible—or even healthy? From a neuropsychological perspective, the answer is no. Humans are social beings, wired for connection and support. The belief that we must handle everything on our own is not only unrealistic but can be harmful, particularly for caregivers who devote their time and energy to others.
The History of Self-Reliance and Its Impact on Society
The roots of self-reliance as an ideal can be traced back to the 19th century, when American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson published his essay Self-Reliance in 1841. He argued that people should trust their instincts and inner wisdom rather than relying on social institutions like the church or government. His ideas were part of a larger movement called transcendentalism, which encouraged personal independence and self-discovery. While these ideas were meant to empower individuals, over time, they evolved into a broader cultural expectation: that being strong means handling life alone.
This expectation has shaped our views on work, relationships, education, and healthcare. From childhood, people are praised for being independent—whether it’s a toddler putting on their shoes without help or a college student moving out on their own. As adults, self-reliance is tied to success, particularly in Western societies. While independence can be beneficial in some ways, taking it to the extreme can lead to unhealthy patterns, especially when it comes to caregiving.
Why Do Some People Become Hyper-Independent?
Not everyone struggles with extreme self-reliance, but those who do often develop it due to life experiences. Several psychological and emotional factors contribute to this mindset, including:
- Fear of Abandonment: People who have been let down or rejected in the past may believe they can only count on themselves.
- Difficulty Trusting Others: If someone has been betrayed or disappointed repeatedly, they may assume that relying on others will only lead to more pain.
- Trauma Response: Many individuals who have experienced childhood neglect or abuse become hyper-independent as a way to protect themselves. They learn early on that asking for help is risky.
- Shame: Some people believe that needing help is a weakness. They may have been raised in environments where asking for support was discouraged or even punished.
While these beliefs can make a person feel more in control, they also come with serious consequences, especially for those in caregiving roles.
The Hidden Costs of Too Much Self-Reliance in Caregiving
Caregiving is an incredibly demanding role, whether it involves taking care of an aging parent, a sick spouse, or a child with special needs. While caregivers often feel a deep sense of love and duty, many also feel the pressure to handle everything on their own. This can lead to:
- Neglecting Personal Health: Many caregivers skip their own medical appointments, ignore warning signs of illness, and fail to get enough rest. Studies show that caregivers are more likely to develop chronic illnesses, including heart disease and high blood pressure.
- Mental Health Struggles: Guilt, anxiety, depression, and isolation are common among caregivers. The CDC reports that caregivers are 25% more likely to experience major depression than non-caregivers.
- Increased Burnout: When people refuse to ask for help, exhaustion and burnout become almost inevitable. Caregiver burnout can lead to irritability, hopelessness, withdrawal from others, and even physical illness.
According to a 2019 NIH study, caregivers were significantly less likely to seek healthcare for themselves due to feeling overwhelmed or not having the time. Many feel guilty for prioritizing their own needs, believing that doing so means they are failing their loved one. In reality, failing to take care of oneself makes it harder to provide good care in the long run.
How to Overcome the Myth of Self-Reliance
It’s important to shift our perspective and recognize that asking for help is not a weakness—it’s a necessity. Here are some practical steps caregivers (and everyone else) can take to break free from unhealthy self-reliance:
- Reframe Your Thinking: Instead of seeing help as a failure, view it as a strategy for long-term success. Caregivers who get support are able to provide better, more sustainable care.
- Use Available Resources: Services like respite care, caregiver support groups, and community programs exist for a reason. Many people don’t take advantage of them simply because they feel they "should" be able to do everything alone.
- Prioritize Your Own Health: Make and keep your own medical appointments. Studies show that caregivers who use Adult Day Centers are 49% less likely to neglect their own health.
- Lean on Social Connections: Caregiving can feel isolating, but it doesn’t have to be. Talking with friends, family, or a therapist can make a huge difference.
- Set Realistic Boundaries: It’s okay to say no to extra responsibilities. Taking on too much can harm both the caregiver and the person receiving care.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Caregiving is hard. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Instead of criticizing yourself for needing help, remind yourself that you deserve support just as much as anyone else.
- Explore Employer Benefits: Some workplaces offer employee assistance programs with benefits for caregivers. It’s worth checking with HR to see what’s available.
Building a Culture of Support
The belief in total self-reliance doesn’t just affect individuals—it shapes entire communities. Many caregivers hesitate to ask for help because they fear being judged by family, employers, or society at large. We need to change this mindset. Offering help should be seen as an act of strength, not pity, and seeking support should be normalized rather than stigmatized.
Organizations like Magnolia Care Services provide essential resources such as caregiver training, emotional support, and long-term care planning. By making these resources more accessible and encouraging their use, we can help caregivers maintain their health while continuing to support their loved ones.
Final Thoughts: True Strength Lies in Connection
Self-reliance can be a valuable trait, but only when balanced with the understanding that no one can—or should—go through life alone. The human brain thrives on social connection, and caregiving is no exception. Asking for help is not a failure; it’s a sign of wisdom and self-awareness. By breaking the myth of self-reliance, caregivers can build healthier, more sustainable lives for both themselves and those they care for.
